Monthly Archives: January 2013

You’ve Probably Never Heard of the True Christian Charity–and Probably Never Will

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Because at True Christian Charity® we distribute money and assistance the way Jesus taught.

Interviewer: What are some of the more prominent charitable projects undertaken by the TCC (the True Christian Charity) over the last few years?

TCC Representative:  I can’t say. I mean, I won’t say.

Interviewer:  Won’t say? Why not?

TCC:  Because when it comes to charitable giving, Jesus said “When thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth” [Matthew 6:3]. That means keep it a secret even from yourself. And Jesus often bade the recipients of his miracles to stay quiet about it. A true Christian does not publicly display their piety or their virtue [Mark 12:40].

Interviewer:  How do you make sure your gifts are going to the truly needy?

TCC:  We don’t.

Interviewer:  But you could end up giving to criminals and other un-worthies.

TCC:  “Him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also” [Luke 6:29].

 Interviewer:  What if it’s al-Qaeda?

TCC:  We hope it is al-Qaeda: “Resist not evil: but whoever shall smite you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also [Matthew 5:39]. “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who spitefully use you, and persecute you” [Matthew 5:44]. “Vengeance is mine; I will repay” [Hebrews 10:30].

Interviewer:  What are some of your future plans at TCC looking forward?

TCC:  No plans whatsoever:  “Take no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself” [Matthew 6:34].

Interviewer:  Is there any charitable project that TCC will not assist?

TCC:  Yes, TCC will not help anyone with their funeral expenses, no matter how destitute you might be: “Let the dead bury the dead” [Matthew 8:22].

Interviewer:  So how can people get in touch with the TCC? Do you have a website?

TCC:  No, that would be vain and boastful.

Interviewer: So how can people contact the TCC?

TCC:  In private. Alone. In your secret places where you can shut the door behind you [Matthew 6:6]. Or on mountaintops, near clean bodies of water, fishing camps, fishing holes, anything to do with fishing–that’s where many TCC staffers spend their time. But you might also find them in an IRS office or outside a whorehouse. You never know. But they’re rarely at the mall.

Interviewer: How can you identify TCC staffers?

TCC:  You can’t. We have no special vestments for even Solomon in all his regal glory could not compare to a lily [Luke 12:27]. The only way to know for sure is to hang out at the base of sacred mountains and see who comes down transfigured [Matthew 17:2].

Interviewer:  If you eschew all publicity, then why are you doing this interview?

TCC:  Because I’m a hypocrite. They’re going to shun me for sure.

Manti Te’o on Broadway in Madame E-Butterfly

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Manti Te’o–was he hoaxed or secretly gay for man-tight tail?

Either way, Manti would do well to sell his story to Broadway:  Madame E-Butterfly.

Or at least a lucrative website:  MadameEButterfly.com can hook you up with your own fake hot girlfriend who dies after a couple years!

Question: Why did Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend threaten to break up with him? Answer: She couldn’t take all his lies.

Of course, none of us would be laughing if poor Manti had killed himself Romeo-style for a Juliette that did not exist. Most of us would not be laughing.

Free novel idea:  The Sorrows of Young E-Werther by E-Goethe (an e-book)

The moral of the story is that, in our own way, we’re all Manti Te’o’s–no wait, we’re all his fake girlfriend, or rather the dude behind the fake girlfriend, or are we the woman whose identity was falsely used?… Actually, there’s no moral to this story but damn it’s good–and that’s just what we know so far!

“Far from gay” was his answer to Katie Couric but then again whoever says they’re close?

“I’m not gay at all, but I’m damn close!”

“I have no attraction to men or their anatomy–but I almost do!”

What else is “close to gay?” Using the word “pesky” too often?

Sometimes I think I enjoy using cotton swab-sticks in my ears a little too intensely. It’s just such a good feeling: “Oh yeah, big buddy, ream me out! I’m all juicy and I need it!”

My girlfriend asked me to choose–her or the Q-tips. So yeah, I’m single.

So that could be a little close to gay. And the fact that she never existed.

Everyone Deserves a Big Powerful Lobby

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And big lobbies need big names like Big Oil and Big Pharma:

Garbage Disposal Lobby:  Big Waste
British Cigarette Lobby:  Big Fag
Comedians’ Lobby:  Big Fool
Sikh Lobby:  Big Turban
Marijuana Lobby:  Big Dope
Low-End Retail Lobby:  Big Discount!
Irish-American Lobby:  Big Mick
Restaurant Servers’ Lobby:  Big Tip
Philosophy Lobby:  Big Question
Sex Workers’ Lobby:  Big Bang
Actors’ Lobby:  Big Phony
Actresses’ Lobby:  Big Drama
Private Investigators’ Lobby:  Big Dick
Cat Lovers Lobby:  Big Pussy
Dog Breeders’ Lobby:  Big Bitch
Horse Breeders’ Lobby:  Big Stud
Chicken Farmers’ Lobby:  Big Cock
Bra Industry Lobby: Big Boost
Tight Male Underwear Lobby: Big Lift
Nano-tech Lobby: Big Little
Pro-Capitalist Religious Lobby:   Big Prophit
Crime Scene Investigators’ Lobby:  Big Body Count
Islamic Dress Lobby:  Big Cover-up
Distraught Procrastinators’ Lobby:  Big To Do
High-Fashion Lobby:  Big Priss
Flood Engineers’ Lobby:  Big Dike
Teenagers’ Lobby:  Big Duh
Educational Testing Lobby:  Big Problem
Shy People’s Lobby:  Big Nevermind
and finally
The Merry-But-Rowdy Drinkers’ Lobby:  Big Brew Ha Ha

What if Everyone Laughed at Your DNA?

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Now that we know Europeans and Asians have some Neanderthal DNA it is definitely time to revise our opinions of Neanderthals and start portraying them as smart. No bias. What bias?

Historians need to dig up Columbus’ bones and test to see if he had any gay DNA:

Mystery: those were some long-ass voyages.

Mystery: he could have been a weaver like his father and been surrounded by Italian women aggrieved by the mistress system, but no, he wanted to be alone with sailors and cabin boys far from home. Far from whorehouses even.

Mystery: Columbus had a dark secret he wouldn’t even tell his sons, but perhaps it was a secret we might think of today as more rainbow-bright than dark.

If genes are so selfish, as Dr. Dawkins professes, then gay genes must be the least selfish. They just keep giving and giving and giving.

It’s debatable whether there is true homosexuality in the animal kingdom but we know that plants are very gay. As much male pollen ends up on other male plants as on female plants.

And they’re huge Onanists, casting most of their pollen on the ground.

Plants were the first creatures to whore themselves out to other species, flaunting big round hot-colored fruits and flowers for anyone to just come and poke around in. All for sex and a cheap ride.

And plants love gerbils. As a general rule, the bigger the plant, the more they like gerbils. They call it “aerating the soil”–digging tunnels in the dirt and tickling their tap roots. But a lot of rodents die in those tunnels so it’s not funny.Celebrity_DNA_Henry_Louis_Gates

Alternate Visions of Hell

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Hell is an eternal cringe.

Hell is a cruel joke whose vicious punchline you don’t get at first because you are the punchline. No wait, that’s life.

Hell is embarrassing. More so than life.

Hell is both lonely and devoid of all privacy. Experience is entirely alienated and yet the suffering is all too personal. High school was nothing.

In Hell, all the negative emotions are infinitely intense and constant except for those equally painful moments when all emotions seem false and self-crushingly hollow.

The infinite remorse despair desperation loss blah-blah-blah is alleviated only by the brief festivities surrounding Satan Appreciation Week.

The climax of the festivities is the grand reinstatement of all that crushing pain and misery. Satan knows how to throw a party and he also knows how to end one.

And the black hole tour sucks. Sucks!

Satan’s under-bosses produce charts and reports to him showing their output and productivity–i.e., suffering levels. They are rewarded by being allowed to suffer a little less than everyone else. To earn this pathetic pittance their brutality knows no bounds.

And when you look on the bright side it just burns. Never look on the bright side. Never.

Half the people that show up for work on a given day in Hell might have forgotten to put their pants on. The other half laugh and point. But then a hideous beast suddenly materializes and slices them to pieces before they can barely stop laughing.

So are the pant-less people then in the clear? No, because they get attacked by the Soul Rapists.

Satanic moral of the story: better to get sliced to pieces by a hideous beast than soul-raped. So now you know.

And that’s just a Tuesday. By Thursday, the place is a total madhouse.

Okay, Who Stole the Trillion Dollar Coin?

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It’s troubling that the government would even consider a policy that sounds like a cheap Hollywood plot device. Wouldn’t we just encourage the emergence of a James-Bond-villain with such a prize?

scaramanga_steals_trillion_dollar_coin2

Scaramanga: the Man with the Trillion Dollar Coin

The security alone for such a coin would cost a mint–security that would prove worthless if aliens ever decided to steal it. Then we’d owe them our children.

Statute of limitations is only twenty years. 21 years later: “Here’s my trillion dollar coin!”

But then again, a thousand billion dollar coins spread out over a thousand secret locations doesn’t sound any better. Security costs would be much higher.

Also, it’s a lot easier to buy a pack of gum or some other trifle and “break” a billion dollar coin than it is with a trillion dollar coin.  A lot easier.

It’s almost chump change in Dubai and Macau. Benny Binion would have taken it for a table wager. His heirs would have taken it for other things 😦

But it would take a James-Bond-villain-type-fence to convert a trillion dollar coin into untraceable fully fungible assets such as, say, cash. Super Fly meets Super Fence!

I never thought a fiscal policy could be described as “having bad vibes,” or “too much like Hollywood,” but I think the trillion dollar coin idea achieves that distinction.Kerry_confirmation_Secretary_State

Florida is for Extroverts and Exhibitionists

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Few places are so well symbolized by the shape of their geographic borders as Florida, which sticks out from the rest of the continent like a dangling phallus, a penis-insula waving temptingly to vacationers with money and low expectations.

And so we like to have our elections and our criminal trials play out on national and international television. We like to dangle out there.

As Kliban put  it:

Kliban_Florida

Charges, verdicts, acquittals, results, recounts, goofy judges–we like a little surprise in everything. It makes for better TV.

We’re slaves to bad fashion and we preserve vestiges of all the really awful ones. We still have rat-tails, Farrah hair, man-pouches, and guys who look like Denny Terrio.

And we still have Denny Terrio. Or do we? It’s so hard to tell when he’s not around.

Nationwide criminal pursuits often start or end here. Yeah we bad. And we still use those 80’s expressions.

The celebrities we produce are the kind of celebrities you could have a beer with. And collect reward money too.

Life really is like TV down here in Florida. Good families live like the Brady Bunch or 7th Heaven and bad families can be seen on Lifetime, Court TV, Oprah TV, etc.

Think of us as a filter for California culture. Like a liver.

But you have to remember that all Florida isn’t Florida. There’s Florgia, Floribama, and then there’s Florida. The first two are more like Georgia and Alabama than they are Florida. There’s even a Florissippi, where even though geographically Florida doesn’t border Mississippi, mentally they do.

Be that as it may, the future for Florida looks to be more and more extroverted and exhibitionist as its Latin population explodes with rhythm.

Florida may rejoin the Caribbean as its natural sphere of interaction, but it will always stick out and demand cheap attention.

Alan Brech 2013

Sick Tasteless Gun Control Jokes

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Gabby Giffords is forming an anti-gun advocacy group. I hope no one tries to shoot down her arguments.

Already her critics are taking aim:

“If Gabby had been packing some heat she could have sprayed a few bullets back. And if everyone had been armed, everyone could have sprayed bullets in Loughner’s general direction. Now that’s safety!”

To paraphrase Tennessee Williams, we all depend upon the kindness of strangers with guns.

Therefore, the more strangers with guns, the more kindness 🙂

Speaking of kindness, among the numerous boxes of toys sent to Newtown Connecticut, did anyone send any toy guns?

Why not? If what the NRA says is true, it shouldn’t be in bad taste at all.

“No son, this is a toy replica of the gun that killed the gunman. This is a good-guy gun.”

“Awwwesome!”

Bazooka Control Does Not Work

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If you outlaw bazookas, only outlaws will have bazookas.

Bazookas don’t kill–people do. People with bazookas just kill more.

But Bazooka Control does not work–studies have shown that cities which outlaw bazookas are no safer than this one place in Idaho where everyone walks around with them.

The only thing that stops a bad guy with a bazooka is a good guy with two bazookas.

If society ever falls apart you’ll be glad your neighbor has a bazooka.

But if you let the government take your bazookas by voting for Bazooka Control, they’ll come for your 50-caliber machine guns next.

And then your grenades.

And then your plastic explosives.

There’s no limit, unless we stand firm and say: You’ll have to pry my bazooka out of my cold dead hands!

Chuck Hagel Jokes

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Apparently the Israel Lobby is so powerful you’re not even allowed to refer to it–kind of like the NSA and Area 51 back in the 1950’s and 60’s. Wait was that aloud?

Hagel’s frictions with the foreign country called Israel and its foreign self-interests disqualifies him as Secretary of Defense. He should be Secretary of State instead. Fuck Kerry. He can go “report for duty” at DOD.

Hagel made the outrageous claim that senators and congressmen are scared shitless of the Israel lobby. It’s such an outrageous statement that the Israel lobby now has no choice but to demonstrate how it’s true.

Hagel’s big mistake: the vast majority of the Israel lobby are in fact Jewish but the majority of Jews don’t actually support it.

Didn’t Karl Marx draw inspiration from Hegel? The last thing DOD needs is some dialectical humanism bullshit. We’re confused enough as it is. What’s this button for?

I’m not a masochist, but…

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I like the chills you get from a slight fever. It makes the blankets feel extra comfy.

Days after you bang up your toe, it starts to feel good while it heals, even though it’s still sore.  Weird theory: healing feels good.

Sometimes scratching an itch feels so good I’m glad I got the itch in the first place. Thank you, mosquito.

The first urination after orgasm used to hurt a little. But now it feels great. Poor consolation for getting old, however.

I feel much better about life the day after I recover from a cold than I did the day before I first contracted it.  So it’s a net gain.

The tremendous sense of accomplishment and self-purification you get from ripping out a nose hair more than makes up for the physical pain of its removal.

I like news-discussion shows on TV.

My favorite piece of music is the Nails-on-the-Blackboard Symphony in D Major, G Major, and F Sharp. Finally some music that doesn’t pander to its audience!

I turn up the volume on the TV when I see the ad for Christian Mingle, Cymbalta, Quibids, and Flo-Nase. Okay, that’s a lie: no one’s that masochistic.