Those Asshole Secessionists

One day, my asshole seceded from my body.

“I’m sick of your shit!” it said, and left.

“Good riddance!” I yelled, feeling spiteful.

But then good sense got the better of me:

“Shit, I really need that asshole.”

So I ran outside after it.  The neighbors were out on their lawn.

“Did ya’ll just see an asshole go by here?” I asked.

“Well, a guy came by with his dog,” they replied, “but he seemed nice enough.”

“No, I’m talking about a real asshole.”

Just then a small moving shadow in the distance caught my eye.

“Never mind—I think I see that asshole now… Get back here, you fucking asshole!” I yelled as I ran off in pursuit.

Strangely, none of the neighbors came to my assistance. But I chased it hard and got so close I could almost smell it.  But then it rounded a corner and disappeared into the shadows.

Fortunately, there was a cop walking his beat.

“Officer, did an asshole just come by here?”

“This neighborhood’s full of ‘em, take your pick.”

“No sir, I’m talking about a real asshole.”

“Real assholes, unreal assholes, we got ‘em all.  You, for instance—“

“You don’t understand, sir, my anus just left me behind!”

“Hey, I don’t do domestic disputes.”

“No sir, it’s not that, it’s—well, it’s sort of–it’s—oh forget it—“

“—Wait, are you trying to tell me that your asshole seceded from the rest of your body?”


“Oh, well why didn’t you just say so?  I’d be glad to help.  That’s what we’re here for.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“Now you said you thought he went this way—what did he look like?”

“I don’t know what my asshole looks like!”

“You’ve never checked?  With a mirror?”


“That’s weird… All right, we’ll skip the description for now—you see one asshole you’ve seen ‘em all, right?”

“I guess.”

“Wait—I think I see something up the street—why are all those people holding their noses?”

“Yes, that must be him, let’s go—Hey! Why are you drawing your gun?”

“Police protocol—if this asshole resists I’m gonna have to blow him away.”

“But that’s my asshole!”

Was your asshole… Look, don’t worry, I probably won’t shoot, and besides, a fleeing asshole is very hard to hit—it’s like hitting a moving bullseye, only smaller… well, I hope it’s smaller—ha ha!—of course, you wouldn’t know since you claim you’ve never checked.”

“Why would I?”

“Why wouldn’t you?  If we catch it, how are you going to know if it’s yours?  You sure as hell don’t want to pick up some stranger’s asshole by mistake.  You don’t know where that asshole’s been last!”

Finally we gained upon our fugitive and cut off his escapes.

“All right, asshole, slowly come this way and don’t make any false moves.”

“Fuck you cop, and fuck him too! Fuck all you people!  Assholes unite!”

“Oh please don’t shoot,” I implored the cop. “He doesn’t know what he’s saying.  He’s just an asshole.”

But I could see the policeman was bringing his gun into firing position.  So I reacted.  The next thing I knew there was a loud explosion and I was being wrestled on the ground by the cop, who soon pinned me.  I thought he would be angry but he wasn’t:

“Wow, you almost took a bullet for an asshole!”

“I couldn’t let you shoot him,” I replied.

“Well, he got away because of you, hope you’re happy.”

“Can you help me find him without shooting him?”

“Buddy, you’ve caused me enough trouble,” he said, unpinning me and standing up.  “You compile too many surrealistic incident reports in your file and you get drummed out of the police force, I’m telling you.  Especially with gun fire involved.  I was hoping we could just forget the whole thing.”

I got up.

“Why would I forget the whole thing?”

“Because your little asshole buddy left a trail behind when the gun went off.  It must have scared him. See there on the ground?  That’s your shit, right?  And under the law, you’re responsible for your own shit, so if you want to play it by the book I gotta give you a ticket… or we could forget the whole thing.”

And so like Kwei Chang Caine my lonely stinky quest goes on.

Alan Brech 2012

4 thoughts on “Those Asshole Secessionists

  1. Pingback: My Right To Bitch

  2. Or the Day My Bum Went Psycho – Andy Griffiths – 1st of a trilogy including Zombie Bums from Uranus and Bumaggedon. I don’t think we should underestimate the predictive nature of your text. Mine has been threatening mutiny for a while.

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