These are my scams

Whenever I see a new ad for a pharmaceutical medicine I immediately start taking it just so I can join the inevitable class-action lawsuit that follows. Side effects may include a butt-load of money.

I deliberately don’t have a cell phone or tools in my car so I never have to stop and help stranded motorists. In fact, if I did stop and offer my useless condolences, my parked car would only dissuade good Samaritans from stopping to provide real help.  I’m doing them a huge favor by speeding by.

In third grade I found a dollar on the floor and kept it even after there was a public announcement saying that this poor kid had lost his lunch money.  Later they brought him into our gym class crying and I still didn’t come forward.  The irony is he turned out to be a dick and I’m a helluva guy.

So you never know with kids.

I’ve billed for bathroom time.  Because it’s nice to have your shit paid for.  Especially if it’s a big firm or client that you see advertised everywhere:  “TransAmerica? I took a dump for them once.”

I’ve read very few of the documents I’ve signed.  On the internet, I’ve “agreed” to all sorts of shit I have no idea about.  So take my conflicting loyalty oaths to the Kurdish PKK and the government of Turkey with a grain of salt.

Whenever I make a charitable pledge, I only pay half of the amount I pledged.  The rest is my profit.

That way, the more you give, the more you make.

Alan Brech 2012


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