• News flash:  there are no attractive people in Bartow, Florida. None.

‘Cuz we’re from the country

and we like it that way…

• Father Time is a child abuser.

And yet Steve Rattner still needs to show ID to buy beer

• More Cosmic Unfairness:  old ladies are so cute–old men, not so cute…

• Sometimes you just need a fresh set of eyes.

–Jeffrey Dahmer

• Always try to be the first with the most, that way you’ll always be living according to the precepts of the Confederate general who founded the KKK (Nathan Bedford Forrest).

• Discontinued menu item at Denny’s restaurants in Pennsylvania:  the Sandusky.  That’s a link of Polish sausage inside a rack of baby-back ribs. (Available only on the senior and children’s menus).

• K-Tel presents: the Pedophile Top 40 Songs of All Time:  Hot Child in the City (Nick Gilder); What’s Your Name Little Girl? (Lynyrd Skynyrd); Hey Little Girl I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend (Ramones); and of course, Sweet Caroline (Neil Diamond)

• Top lesbian anthem of all time:  Wide Open Spaces (Dixie Chicks)