Monthly Archives: June 2012

Viagra’s Side Effects

Posted on by
Reply

Call your doctor if you experience loss of vision–

“Doc, I can’t see anything and I still wanna fuck it!”

Deafness–

“‘No’ looks a lot like ‘now’ when you’re lip-reading”

Shits and giggles–

Plop-plop hee-hee-hee

Or an erection lasting more than three hours.

Starting now, or when I first wanted it to go away?

Viagra is not for everyone–

Like this loser [picture of loser] or this douche-bag [picture: douche-bag] and all you fuckin’ chicks [picture: all chicks]

–But if you’re a young teenager who doesn’t pop wood while riding on a vibrating school bus early in the morning, you might wanna discuss Viagra with your cock doctor and your Mom.

When I was fifteen, Doc, I used to get hard every hour and semi-hard every half hour. But now I only get involuntaries first thing in the morning…right Mom?

[insert bonor joke here]

AB2012

Big Book and High Education

Posted on by
Reply

Always pay special attention to the first third of a non-fiction book. The middle is in the middle for a reason and by the end the author wants it over as bad as you do. In the beginning is all the stuff the author actually enjoys dwelling on.

Western medicine is all pathology.  Pretty soon we’ll know the how and why of all the ways the body can fail. Treatment will remain symptomatic.

So let’s raise America’s education levels–only test Asian kids. And Jews. On Christmas.

Does this sound like a good investment?  Let’s pay for a kid to spend four or five years writing book reports. Think it’ll pay off? So why invest in higher education?

Everything I really needed to know I still haven’t learned yet. So obviously I didn’t need to learn that either.

Memorize the colorful anecdotes and digressions of history and culture. Ignore the main points of discussion because you will never get to discuss them yourself without sounding like a poser-dick.

Read everything as if there’s a 40% chance it’s total bullshit, that way you’ll end up retaining almost 60% of what you read.

Half of what we know cannot be quantified anyway.

And just because you can write an essay when you’re drunk means we’re probably gonna wanna read it when we’re sober. So develop your talents.

School teaches the awesome amazing power of the Last Minute. Huge, semi-monumental B+ quality work can be achieved in that “frantastic” stretch of space-time called the last minute.

Before that, 10 pages seem like 20. With one hour left, they only seem like 8 1/2 with wide margins.

Lawyers get the most schooling and that’s why they do all their work at the last minute. And so paralegals spend their days doing nothing and their nights working late.

Have you ever done nothing all day and then worked late?

Then you haven’t worked for a highly educated boss.

Alan Brech 2012

The Meaning of Funny is the Fun of Meaning Less Ness Full ish

Posted on by
Reply

What is funny?  What is the meaning of funny?

Is this funny?  🙂

No, so why is this funny?  ♥ + ♥ − $ x T (time) =   😦  + 😦

It’s not?!  Do you even know what the heck you’re talking about?

If two different groups of Aliens came to Earth, one that didn’t laugh, and one that didn’t cry, which group would you trust the most?

Which group would you hang out with?

Can an entire “article” be written solely in the interrogatory, with no declarative statements at all?

How long would you keep reading if you sensed–suspected–knew! that the author was probably not going to state anything, but keep asking fucking questions?

At what point would you stop and DEMAND content?

“Stop asking me all this bullshit!”

Does our need for content imply a preexisting lack of it inside us?

Would a world without questions be better than a world without statements? And if so, how could you possibly communicate that preference?

Funny is incronguity. Funny means that two or more systems of thought or perspective are in conflict with each other with nearly equal appearances of plausibility, facts notwithstanding. The King who slips on the banana peel is, for that moment, both King and Fool. And that’s funny. Right until he stands up and looks in your direction. Then, years later, it gets funny again.

If the two (+) equipoised perspectives are equally reasonable, the result is called “amusing.”

If the perspective you already agree with is favored by the connotations and biases of the joke, the result is called “funny.”

If the perspective you disagree with is favored, the result is called “offensive.”

But if one of the perspectives is obviously stupid and yet can be twisted into making “more sense” than the obviously sensible perspective, the result is called “hilarious” and “comic genius.”

Funny equals enjoyable cognitive dissonance.

There’s your frikkin’ bald-statement content. Or do you now prefer the questions?

Alan Brech 2012

PILFs replace NILFs as America’s Sexiest Cultural Icons

Posted on by
1

I used to think newswomen were the sexiest (see February 6th post below–The Last Wholesome Perversion: NILF Leching).

Robin Meade (former Miss Ohio), Brooke Baldwin, and Brooke Baldwin again

But not anymore.  The libidinous reign of the NILFs is ending.

The new sexiest cultural position has got to be the Female Paranormal Investigator (PILFs).

Kris Williams (Ghost Hunters) and Jael de Pardo (Fact or Faked)

I just love it when they walk around in the dark in infrared-invisible white shirts looking for EVPs–ectoplasmic virtual penetrations or something.

These are like NILFs from beyond the grave–no way a normal newswoman could compete with those sexy credentials!

Jael de Pardo getting to the bottom of the mermaid mystery

My favorite episode is the one in the Haunted Hooters restaurant from Daytona Beach. Mysterious nipple-hardening breezes keep wafting down from out-of-control air-conditioning ducts. And it’s all caught on tape!

The Haunted Sorority House Slumber Party is another great episode–especially the part where Kris Williams gets a scalp-full of ecto-jizz wearing a re-enactment nightie.

Kris Williams of Ghost Hunters reenacting a haunted sorority slumber party

Or when Jael de Pardo got goosed by the Shadow Figure in some weird tropical ruins where heat and humidity preclude all modesty.

Jael de Pardo (Fact or Faked: Paranormal Files) getting goosed by an unseen entity

Face it, it’s comforting to know that there’s something beyond the grave, and that even when you’re dead hot women still might wanna talk to you even though you are definitely creepy by that point if you weren’t already.

NILF-appeal, as discussed in February (see below), is the pleasing incongruity of important current information delivered with visual hotness.  But PILF-appeal is the further incongruity of philosophically-significant information delivered via hotness.

In the dark.

Alan Brech 2012

Random Nuggets of Stupidity

Posted on by
1

• News flash:  there are no attractive people in Bartow, Florida. None.

‘Cuz we’re from the country

and we like it that way…

• Father Time is a child abuser.

And yet Steve Rattner still needs to show ID to buy beer

• More Cosmic Unfairness:  old ladies are so cute–old men, not so cute…

• Sometimes you just need a fresh set of eyes.

–Jeffrey Dahmer

• Always try to be the first with the most, that way you’ll always be living according to the precepts of the Confederate general who founded the KKK (Nathan Bedford Forrest).

• Discontinued menu item at Denny’s restaurants in Pennsylvania:  the Sandusky.  That’s a link of Polish sausage inside a rack of baby-back ribs. (Available only on the senior and children’s menus).

• K-Tel presents: the Pedophile Top 40 Songs of All Time:  Hot Child in the City (Nick Gilder); What’s Your Name Little Girl? (Lynyrd Skynyrd); Hey Little Girl I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend (Ramones); and of course, Sweet Caroline (Neil Diamond)

• Top lesbian anthem of all time:  Wide Open Spaces (Dixie Chicks)

Blaming Jews

Posted on by
1

I like to blame the Jews–for making me fat.  Did you know that to a Jew “No thanks, I had a late lunch” is the same thing as saying “Yes, I’d love some dinner” ?

Yes, it really is a big Jewish conspiracy.  Actually, it’s more like a Jewess conspiracy than a Jewish conspiracy. But it is huge–38 unsightly inches in my case. Ok 40… 42 at the end of a long winter.

‘Ever notice that Jewish women are constantly worried that they’re eating too much and you’re not eating enough?  It’s just so non-Golden Rule. So un-Christian!

The real difference between Reform and Conservative Judaism, on the one hand, and Hasidism on the other, is that Reform and Conservative Jewish men have figured out what their womenfolk are up to, while the Hasidic men remain blissfully clueless. And fat. Very fat.

In that sense, the Hasidim and the goyim (non-Jews) are closer to each other than either is to Reform or Conservative Judaism.

“More babkas, borscht, blintzes and brisket, honey?”

“Save it for the people whose ‘No thanks’ means ‘Yes.’ I’m staying thin. Like you.”

So no, you’re not paranoid–they really are conspiring to make you huge.

Alan Brech 2012