Precepts of Suburban Hobbesianism

It is not inconsistent to be anti-immgrant while hiring non-English speakers to cut your lawn even as your rider mower sits in the shed they rebuilt for you

The wooded hills of Appalachia are filled with crazy primitive redneck/woodchuck/hillbillies who want to sodomize you. Deliverance was cinema verité.

City people have a bat-like radar that allows them to navigate quicker than you. This means that they always have the option of snatching your money and getting away with it, and they behave accordingly.

A healthy lawn reflects a healthy household and a healthy family produces healthy individuals which produce healthy societies and glorious futures–all that for $10 an hour courtesy of your illegal immigrant landscaper!

Our prime directive:  to make life more like TV and make TV more like whatever’s good.

Our enemies:  everyone.  City folk wanna rob us, country folk want to sodomize us and overcharge for corn, governments wanna tax us, and Al-Qaeda hates our malls and PTA meetings and garage sales. But the worst of all our enemies has to be the intellectuals and artists, except maybe David Byrne.

The best neighbor is a fence. The best neighborhoods have walls around them. Unfortunately, the best walls rely on some shady people to operate the gatehouse.

One bright spot:  kids are exempt from rules against trespass, loitering, obscenity, public urination, dog leash laws, and minor vandalism if you’re really sorry and your parents pay ’em back. Not so in the cities!

[EXCEPTION:  this does not apply to condomium-dwellers. Condo Man will publicly complain about sleigh-riding kids ruining their “clean snow.”]

The point of life is to send out future generations into new suburban developments–you do not want to get stuck in an “old” suburb. Those are for the descendants of landscapers and gatekeepers.

(c) Alan Brech, 2012

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