New Product Warnings

Warning:  the new IPad2 fails to deliver total happiness!

Warning:  cat treats are just appetite suppressants

Warning:  reading books makes you blind

Warning:  insurance is just betting against yourself–try to be more optimistic with your money

Warning:  do not use these condoms in conditions warmer than 95° F (35° C)

Warning:  quantum physics indicates there is only a slight chance your tampons will explode

Warning:  anti-tobacco advertising is addictive–many local TV stations would fall apart without it

Warning:  female empowerment is just another patriarchal scam, all part of our evil plan to get back to that cave without any responsibilities whatsoever

Warning:  (for sub-Saharan markets) This product is highly toxic and sleeping with a virgin will not reduce its toxicity

(The above warning label was mandated by recent successful lawsuits in Zimbabwean courts.)

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