Our Greatest Divide: The Office versus The Field

A great social dichotomy that has not yet been studied by the social psychologists who appear on TV is that between The Office and The Field. They are different mindsets, different worlds, each with their own special ethos.

Generally speaking, as technology increases, we are all being moved from the Field into the fucking Office.  So learn up:

The Office:  almost everyone knows almost everything and everyone is very concerned about what they know and what they don’t know and what everyone else knows and how long they’ve known it

The Field:  everyone knows everything and no one gives a shit unless it’s a real problem

The Office:  social information, personal appearance and social alliances are almost as important as job performance; consequently, these remain active concerns of the mind even when home not working

The Field:  a simple credo of maximum sustainable productivity during work-time and maximum chilling out when not; bulldozing, for instance, does not remain a concern when home or at the bar

The Office:  Grouse and complain behind the back of supervision about their bad ideas and last for twenty years at the job, with promotions, benefits, etc.

The Field:  Stand up and tell the boss he’s fucked and get fired.  Then work for the same guy a couple years later after you both learn better

The Office:  small events are imbued with excessive amounts of social significance

The Field:  crazy shit is par for the course and thus no big whoop

The Office:  totem animal = the weasel

The Field:  totem animal = the ass—cuz you’re either sittin’ on it or bustin’ it

 © 2012 Alan Brech

Why Poison Those Most Likely to Evolve?

Since it’s obvious we’re doomed as a species, passing on “our genes” is a futile hope.

It’s also obvious that not everything is doomed. There are several species waiting in the wings, just like those little rat bastards that stole dinosaur eggs so they could raise little rat bastards who later evolved into us.

And we all know who they are:  the fucking ants! As soon as we’re gone you know those little scum are gonna take over. And evolve! They love gamma rays. And asteroids.

What’s already freaking me out is that while the ants own my entire lawn here in Florida–I’m only allowed to pass through briefly as long as I don’t stop too long–they’re not really crawling around my house that much, and I haven’t put out poison in almost a year.

That means they’re learning.  Collectively.  As in culture.

The ants also seem to have forged an odd truce with the stray cat I feed. He literally rolls around on top of their nests. Meanwhile I leave my foot down for 30 seconds away from their nest and I get attacked. (No, I do not dangle cat treats over ant nests, they’re just everywhere and he flops at will.)

Perhaps the ants are eating the fleas off the cat, so they refrain from biting the cat.  ‘Meaning they’re already developing animal husbandry on a grand scale, and not just with those little sugar-shitting aphids you see on TV.

The point is, you can’t pass on your human genes so forget about it, sorry Charlie*, but the ants in your lawn might just be the ants that go on to evolve to become the next master species on planet Earth.

So I’m gonna do everything in my power to pass on my ants’ genes into the future: no more outdoor poison and plenty of left-over cat food.

(c) 2012 Alan Brech

* Natural selection on the galactic scale weeds out intelligent species who fail to cooperate in the defense of their planet from the inevitable asteroid and other disasters

Bad TV Conversations between Great Personalities with Similar Styles

Peggy Noonan interviews Katie Holmes

Senator Susan Collins gets into a spat with Katherine Hepburn:

Caption:  “Am I making fun of you, ha-ardly my de-ear. I was New-w-w England prep before your fa-amily got here. Call me when the DARrrrr lets you in.”

Obama and Spock Bore the Shit Out of Us with their Reasonableness

Obama: “It’s fascinating, really.”

Spock: “Quite fascinating, Commander.”

Obama:  “Of course, a lot depends on your perspective.”

Spock:  “Naturally. But it remains interesting from many perspectives.”

Obama:  “Get me Netanyahu on the phone, Spock, we need to share this insight with him.”

Spock:  “That would be highly illogical, Commander, but I will place the call, unless you prefer to communicate via mind-meld.”

Obama:  “Oh God no! Now that would be highly illogical!”

Spock:  “My repressed human half finds that amusing, Commander.”

Obama:  “My repressed black half has a million of em.”

Bill O’Reilly and his North Korean clone:

“No, you a pindot!”

“It’s pin-head!”

“You just call yourself pin-head!”

“Cut his mike!”

“Cut his mike!”

“Cut his mike!”

“Cut his frukking mike!!!”


Barry White and Henry Kissinger Discuss “Diplomacy” ( ;

[Photo shows garbled, unintelligible symbols in the dialog baloons]

Fortunately, the new Guttural Translator 3000 can convert most of their grunts and growls into actual human speech:

Kissinger:  I’m sorry Barry but I think I could do a much better job singing Lou Rawl’s “You’ll Never Find” and he’s already offered me much better terms—

White:  Hey, I hear you man, it’s no thing, just some white agents’ fantasy that ain’t gonna happen. I told him Can’t Get Enough is too exuberant for your downbeat style—but you should definitely do Lou’s song, brother, you would rip that piece up! Think of the money.”

Kissinger:  I don’t care about money. Would it increase my power and awesome legacy?

White:  That I can’t tell you. ‘Wouldn’t know how to even guess.

Kissinger:  You’re an honest man, Mr. White. ©2012 Alan Brech

Give me Nugentism or give Ted death: You’re gonna miss that Tea Party

Background info:  The Mormon Church firmly believes in a modern prophecy which holds that the Constitution and the Republic of the United States of America will be hanging by a thread during some unspecified crisis, and that the Mormon Church or its leadership will step in and save the Constitution. Plow through to the end of this drivel to see how this prophecy will be fulfilled in November…

Nugentism–the tendency to interpret politics through the lens of Braveheart or Lord of the Rings (because life really is that simple)–is actually a smaller problem than its converse: the fact that politics is about to get so super boring, democracy itself may be in peril. 

Of course, democracy is always in peril, that’s what makes it great. Or good enough. Worth fighting for. Worth suspending your rights for. Something.

But not all perils are created equal. Peril is very undemocratic like that. And the peril of political boredom is real enough.

It sounds partisan, but it’s the Republican’s fault this time:  Obama has to be boring, he has no choice–for now. He can become slightly interesting late in his second term and in his post-presidency he can become truly fascinating.

But until then, Obama has to act more like Romney (dull and doofy) than he normally would. Simply being the first black president forces Obama to be an extra-reasonable guy so that voters in the future won’t automatically associate black candidates with radical cultural change. His presidential biography will almost certainly be called Holding Back.

Only the Republicans have the choice of being interesting, like they were back in 2010 and 2011. But instead they’ve chosen boring, very very boring.

Their plan is clear: bore the shit out of the electorate and win a low-turnout snooze-fest! Much cheaper to go boring (thus “more efficient”) and Romney is at heart a money-man.

Village idiot:  But won’t that lead to a crazy third party?

Establishment answer:  Yes! Increased Nugentism is the inevitable by-product of boring vs. boring during times such as these. We’re just hoping it doesn’t crystallize into some sort of Ross Perot thing on steroids without the burden of Ross Perot dragging it down. That could be dangerous.

Village idiot:  What about Santorum and Palin on a third ticket? Then Romney could become the severely moderate person he pretends to be when he’s not pretending he’s conservative.

A:  And with a three-way split in the electoral college, Obama’s piddly popular majority will not be enough to get the 270 electoral votes. Then it goes to the House of Redneck-Resentatives for a fraudulent vote open to the highest bidder foreign or domestic. And we win!

Village idiot:   Don’t you think that if that happened the Prophet of the Mormon Church would call up Mitt and say, “Look, bishop, we can’t win like this–you gotta hand it back to Obama–he won the popular vote”?

A:  You’re an idiot.

(c) 2012, Alan Brech

Can you spot the endangered species?

Bipedal pedestrian traffic on Wild Rose Drive, Palm Bay

Sandhill Cranes and Ibis Palm Bay FL

Sandhill Cranes and Ibis Palm Bay FL (Wild Rose Drive)

Alan Brech Joke explained: see the Sandhill Cranes (A) are out in the middle of the street in a disorganized group ready to get hit by cars; and there’s no crane food in the road anyway so wtf? whereas the Ibis (B) are in a tight little group eating bugs galore and not out in the street. Given that, which one is endangered? Moral of the joke (jokes have morals too, they’re just sick): some of these endangered species are stupid fucks.

Tactic #2: Flaunt Your Fake Marijuana Plants (part of our 4/20 special)

If everyone bought and displayed a couple of these:

Fake Marijuana Plant--only 1200 yen (10 buck)

Fake Marijuana Plant--only 1200 yen or 10 bucks

We might be able to plant the real ones soon afterwards!

(Operación Olé:  Overwhelm Law Enforcement)

Forget Legalize It–Nullify It!


I was in a jury pool for a bullshit marijuana charge (“less than 25 pounds”–phaa!) here in conservative Brevard County Florida last year–and they almost couldn’t pull together a jury!

Over half the people in the jury pool with me had smoked. True, I was probably the only one who did so in the parking lot of the Courthouse. But none of them thought the law as it stood was just. Even the dude next to me with a Glenn Beck book had smoked, knew smokers, and thought the law was stupid.

Judge Wahn asked the jury pool if anyone would be likely to nullify the law.  Is that legal–to screen the jury pool for potential nullifiers?  Next time I won’t speak up–I’m just gonna nullify!

Jury nullification is a proud part of Anglo-American law–when legistlators prove lame (they always do) then the law has to be changed out in the streets and in the Courts. Congresses and Parliaments are just the ornaments of democracy, not its engines–the real work is always done elsewhere, among people who are not so fucking lame and corrupt.


If you’re busted, take it to a jury trial–the system is buckling and about to break! And I’m talking about right-wing Florida–if you’re busted in a liberal area like the Northeast, DEFINITELY take it to a jury.

And if you’re on jury, nullify it!

And be sneaky if the judge asks you in advance if you might nullify….

[Operation OJ–Overwhelm the Judiciary]

Ridiculing the Rosen-Romney Ruckus

These stay-at-home prostitutes really don’t know what it’s like for working whores who have to sling it on the street.  Annie Reamme has never worked a street corner a single night in her life!

You know, I could have stayed at home and baked erotic cookies for visiting perverts, but I choose to pursue my professional career in the public sphere, on behalf of the people.  Anonymous people with cash.

Hey, I’ve done both–I’ve stayed at home raising the children of my pimps, johns, and dirty toilet seats AND gone out and worked three, four, maybe five jobs a night! Believe me, it’s much harder to stay home and yell at incorrigible hoodrats all day.

The other thing people don’t realize about so-called stay-at-home spouses is how much work and suffering it takes to put-out day after day to a contemptible old crab just because they’re wealthy and the parent of most of your children.

Forbes estimates the value of a stay-at-home spouse at about $110,000 per year. Paid as “piece work” (i.e., per duty) and not as a yearly salary, the breakdown is quite different:  per household chore, the yearly value is closer to $300,000. Half a million if your kids are especially nasty. When paid per sex act, however, some of these spouses would be lucky to clear 10 grand a year.

And that’s why many wealthy people live well below the sexual poverty line. The Gross Domestic Product of some bedrooms is less (when measured in sex-worker-dollars) than the economic output of a homeless can-collector.

[Please note that no gendered terms were used except in the first paragraph. So you can’t accuse me of sexism even though this whole piece reeks of it.]

(c) 2012, Alan Brech

Synthetic Marijuana Behind Recent High-Profile Freak-Outs

Five seemingly random, disconnected events:

[Photos:  Afghanistan massacre, two airline freakouts, film director freakout, Trayvon Martin shooting]

ONE common cause:

Fake Weed: Synthetic Marijuana

FAKE WEED—Synthetic marijuana–available EVERYWHERE!

STRONGER than regular marijuana—a chemical fact! The secret social experiment is over—fake weed has been legal everywhere in Florida for several years now 🙂 and the results are in:

Despite a sharp recession (2007-2011), violent crime rates (murder, rape, assault) in Florida are DOWN!  Vehicle accidents—DOWN!  Job-related injuries—DOWN!  (Ok, I made up the last one, but the others are true and this one is probably true also).

Moreover, criminal stupidity and forgetfulness is WAY UP, providing invaluable assistance to law enforcement efforts!

The negative side?  Non-lethal freak-outs are also WAY UP!!!  (‘Tis a small price to pay, no?)

Knowledge of these fake cannabinoids can help explain a lot of recent high-profile freak-outs:

 The film director Jason Russell (Kony 2012), who freaked out naked in the streets of LA  was obviously upset that regular marijuana no longer works after you’ve smoked the fake for a while. I had a very similar reaction myself but got over it when I realized that the fake is much better 🙂

And much better means MUCH MORE FREAKY!!!  Mu-wa-ha-ha-ha (cough, hack) ha…ahem…

For people who can’t handle the negative introspective thoughts of a so-called “bad” marijuana “trip” (although it’s actually mental growth when confronted head-on if you’re not an egotistical weakling about it):   STAY AWAY FROM THE FAKE! Stay away so the price stays low!

You name the news event, and I can tell you which fake weed was involved:

George Zimmerman had obviously smoked some PANIC. IF we can believe Zimmerman’s description of Trayvon’s behavior (walking around in the rain, looking at stuff) then Trayvon had probably just finished a joint of RELAXINOL  and flicked the roach away before being assaulted by Zimmerman.  

The Afghanistan massacre sounds like the work of Headhunter–


a fake weed product any 18 year old can buy at non-corporate gas stations often run by people of south Asian ancestry (my new favorite ethnic group).  A little RELAXINOL mixed in to Robert Bales’ hookah might have prevented this tragic international incident.

Now the two airline incidents sound like the work of the best fake weed product out there—Down 2 Earth.

The name is apt—when this stuff kicks in, you’ll want to be down to earth when it happens, you do NOT want to be at 30,000 feet.  So if you have to make up crazy shit about 9-11 in order to get the plane down to earth, so be it. This stuff is that good!

In conclusion (because I’d hate to just trail off like a stoner), the fact that there are potentially hundreds or THOUSANDS of fake cannabinoids yet to be discovered and understood and made illegal underscores yet again the necessity of legalizing real marijuana, which is really rather tame compared to these synthetics (trust me on this).

Ropycight 0212 Naal Chreb

You Have No Right to Philosophize!

If things are good for you, then God* has pampered and spoiled you, and thus you have NO right to generalize for the rest of us.

If an afflicted person does not find comfort in the wisdom of happy-sacks like us, is it their fault, or the shortcoming of our “wisdom?”

But if your situation is horrible and not getting better, you can’t generalize your negativity onto the rest of us. The only thing we’ll listen to from the afflicted are heart-warming stories of how you overcame your affliction even as it killed you.

In other words, no one can philosophize anymore because a) no one has any source-credibility–oh what, you do??? and b) the philosophy of the happy-lucky-healthy and the philosophy of the sad-afflicted are both equally valid and maddeningly exclusive of each other.

And there’s no communication or translation between the two. It’s like different dimensions.

*Feel free to substitute “fate” or “luck” or whatever for “God” if it makes ya feel better

Defending Your Shadow is just Standing Your Ground

In our legal system, a person must be proven guilty beyond a weasel-nable doubt. Well, should be. I mean, we prefer it. Proof is nice.

We have an adversarial justice system—justice that cannot overcome the adversity of its continuous miscarriage is not worthy of coming to pass.

Does a “non-redacted document” mean that the document is just “dacted?” So why not just say so?

And why do you have say “I take the fifth” when you don’t want to answer a question under oath? Do you have to say, “By the first amendment, we hereby gather to discuss political issues…?” Or begin every public prayer with a Constitutional justification for praying? Since when does a Right require some silly verbal incantation to be in effect? And why is that incantation worded to sound like self-incrimination, which is precisely what the Fifth Amendment is meant to protect us from?

           “By the Second Amendment, I hereby bear this gun.  By the stand-your-ground law, I hereby discharge this gun at your fleeing ass because you’re still on my ground until you get past the sidewalk. ‘Government surveyors’—my ass!”

What legal recourse is there when someone assaults your shadow? What could be more “stand-your-ground” than defending your shadow? That really is your ground.  Too bad that’s it’s now six o’clock and my shadow is 50 meters long!

Plaintiff:          “Your Honor, I was just taking a piss—urinating, sir—“

Defendant:      “—On the shadow of my head, your Honor!”

Judge:              “So you shot him?”

Defendant:      “At him, your Honor, at him. He was fifty meters away. You’d have to be a cop to hit someone that far away with a handgun. I’m just a Citizen Observer. Our effective range is less than 10 meters. He was in no real danger, sir.”

Judge:              “And neither was your shadow, which I assume is fine today and does not smell of urine.”

Defendant:      “No your Honor, there was no ‘danger’—it’s—it’s—it’s the symbolism sir.”

Judge:              “Symbolism? Symbolism?! Your bullets were not symbolic!”

Defendant:      “Your Honor, there are hand symbols I could make here in Court that would get me thirty days for contempt—”

Judge:              “—Yes, there are. Even your reference to such things borders on contempt.“

Defendant:      “So symbols matter. That’s all I’m saying. That’s my legal theory. If symbols didn’t matter, we’d all be shooting each other birds in court.”

Judge: (to the Plaintiff) “He brings up a point—two redundant ones, if you count the left hand—but I have a better one:  suppose a woman were sitting on a park bench and a man came up and made obscene gestures towards various areas of her shadow on the ground and yet refrained from actual eye contact or anything directed towards her actual person? Society could hardly tolerate such shadow molestations, and yet how much shadow protection can society reasonably provide its citizenry?”

Lawyer for Plaintiff:    “Our client was fifty meters away from the Defendant, due to the low angle of the sun that late in the day. If the lady in your park bench scenario were also fifty meters away she probably would not be insulted or feel the need for shadow protection. Two-thirty, three o’clock—that’s a different story. Pissing on someone’s shadow at 3:00 is much more of an insult than doing so at 6:00, fifty meters away.”

Judge:              “Agreed.  I hereby rule that the stand-your-ground-law only applies to your shadow up until 3:30 PM. After that, you have a duty to retreat your shadow if you’re so fuckin’ prissy about it.”

(c) 2012 Alan Brech