Monthly Archives: March 2012

Lies and Rumors: Spike Lee, Pelvic Laser Pointers, Criminal Robots, Jewish Superheroes, Anti-Semites in Baseball, My Name is Vomit to the Jews

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The Science Channel is running a documentary on the female orgasm. The commercials are all for chocolate.

Spike Lee tweets to Rwanda:  “You missed some people back in ’94. Their address is 123 XYZ Street.”

A Kansas man was sentenced to three years in prison for making robots for the devil. The jury didn’t quite buy his defense that “now the demons don’t have to possess innocent people anymore.”

Advertisement:  You can spice up your boring academic lectures and keep your hands free with the new Strap-on Pelvic Laser Pointer®  Now you can sexually harass all your students while giving them a quality education–hey, at least it’s fair!

All the really good stupid ideas have been done already.  The only thing left is the truly brilliant.  Shit!

It’s hard to argue with a Russian-American saleswoman when she commands you to have pleasure:  “It’s OK, you will like, sure you like–you will like…”

If Osterreich (Austria) Deutsch (German) and England are all Jewish last names, does this mean that Captain America is also Jewish?  Since so many superheroes have names ending in “man” (Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, etc.) are there any non-Jewish superheroes besides the stupid Hulk?

Fairness requires a few shots at my own, so here’s a list of TV Shows on the White Trash Network: Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader on Drugs?  America’s Funniest Drunken Kids Videos, The Creative Cat Tormentor, Shooting Noises in the Woods with Buckshot Bob and Buck Shotbob, Two Men and a Kidnapped Baby, 8 Statutory Rules for Dating My Tweenage Daughter; and the return of the after-school movie (cuz fuck homework):  Fifteen and Pregnant… Again.

Speaking of fairness, I liked PBS’s Jews In Baseball documentary but I don’t think the fairness doctrine really required them to air Anti-Semites in Baseball the following week. I knew that Hank Greenberg, and Sandy Koufax and Bud Selig were prominent Jews in baseball, but I was somewhat surprised to see the list of famous anti-semites in baseball included George Steinbrenner, Bud Selig, Larry David, and all the Japanese players.

I didn’t know that Take Me Out to the Ball Game was co-written by a Jewish person, but I can’t remember if the “ultra-orthodox” parody of that song was from the Jews in Baseball show or Anti-Semites in Baseball, and that’s important information if you’re going to quote from it at length:

Take me out to the goy game
Take me out to the unclean
Buy me some hotdogs but don’t tell my rabbi
I don’t care if I even get back by Friday!
We’ll root root root root for the home team
When the Mets lose we’ll kibbitz and kvetch,
‘Cuz it’s one, two, three complaints enough already!
When you’re at home trying to watch the old goy game.

Offended? I should be offended when you took my family name and used it to mean “vomit”–this is from a Yiddish glossary at http://www.bubbygram.com/yiddishglossary.htm (and verified by hebrew4christians.com):

Brech: (rhymes with “yechhh!” which should make it easy to learn) to gag; to vomit. “Meh keyn brechen!” means “You can vomit from this!” “Go to your sister’s house for dinner? Forget it! I don’t know which makes me brech more… her food or her décor!”

(c) 2012, Alan Brech (actually, I can’t even vomit without a finger on the tongue)

Monogamy is Holding Us Back (from Wasting Even More Time on Sex)

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Sex is like food–no one food type (meat, vegetables, starches, fruit) is sufficient for a complete meal.
Therefore Islam is right–you get up to four spouses.

“But it’s gonna take at least five of these modern, wimpy, sports-escapist beer louts to satisfy this woman!”

“Sorry, under Feminislam® each person only gets up to four spouses. Men or women, doesn’t matter. It’s the “four-ness” we’re concerned about.”

“Mom, Dad, I’m getting married.”
“Oh we’re so proud and happy for you!”

“Mom, Dad, I’ve met a second spouse.”
“Oh we’re so proud!”

“Mom, Dad, I’m taking a third spouse. And a fourth. Both at the same time. Twins! It’s gonna be a wild honeymoon!”
“Oh we’re so proud–”
“–and jealous, congratulations!”

“Mom, Dad, I’m getting married to a fifth spouse next month.”
“You fucking pig!”
“You’re humiliating the whole family!”

(c) 2012, Alan Brech

Graph of Reality

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Venn diagram, whatever

The goal is to keep moving the white into the gray toward the gold away from the red.
If you get far enough (the gold keeps moving ahead of you–shh), you end up just running over those wierd pink-blues in the lower right corner (other people).
Red also moves as white moves, but red is much more clumsy about it, knocking into gray and white at the most inopportune time (anytime).
When red intersects with gray or white, depression can result. Or personal growth but fuck that. It’s easier to just get depressed and soak up the attention.
Theoretically, you should be able to expand the white until you push red and gold off the chart, but no one who’s ever done it has stuck around this place to tell us about it. The whole concept of doing that might just be another emanation from the amorphous green zone–i.e., just another loaf of bullshit glistening in the morning dew.

(c) 2012, Alan Brech

Throw Out Your New 2012 Automobile–the 2013 Models are Already Here!

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Introducing the NEW 2013 Kia Slut—
Impress all your friends when you drive around with a new Slut!
None of them will know that you only paid $9,999!
Photo: Rush Limbaugh; caption: “10 grand for a car? I wouldn’t be caught dead inside a Slut!”
Photo: anonymous silhouette of Rush’s former girlfriend, although it’s quite obviously Daren Kagan from CNN; Caption: “I disagree–you almost OD’d on oxy that time we did it in Atlanta!”

Not impressed? You will be by the 2013 Plymouth Pimpna!
Such an amazing car all your friends will want to lease it from you! You’ll be SO proud when you turn this bitch out!

No? What about the new Honda Hoodwagon!
Now you don’t have to leave the hood behind when you leave the hood behind!
Photo: man and shapely woman in the ‘hood; Man:  “I want to leave what’s behind me, I just don’t want to leave what’s behind you.”

Or perhaps you want real class, the kind that says MONEY! without admitting to its criminal origins: then you’ll love the new Mercedes Fat Cat!

Leftists, don’t begrudge Mercedes their business–they’ve been successfully redistributing wealth from rich undeserving bastards to hardworking mechanics for almost a century now! Other excellent wealth redistributors include the BMW Braggart and the Acura Ego-Bubble.

Feeling priced out? Well don’t–not until you try the super-affordable 2013 Toyota Skankna!
It’s got all the features of the Kia Slut for only $1,999 more!
Put some cocaine in the gas tank and it will get ONE HUNDRED miles to the gallon in the city! And ONLY in the city! (Warning: this car does not peform well in rural conditions and can often lead to war among kinfolk.)
A satisfied customer: “For the price of a mere eightball, I was able to get 110 miles to the gallon! Of course, it won’t work at all for a few days after, and it’s a slow cranky start when it does, but it’s a hell of a ride zipping from parking lot to parking lot searching for the most happening party.”

Ladies, we haven’t forgotten you yet, so here’s a peek at the new 2013 Dodge Doable!
Find that mythical “special-set-of-guys” that supposedly exists out there waiting for you to date and marry into their wonderful specialness forever! With this car.
Remember, with the Dodge Doable, your dreams are as doable as you are!

But let’s face it–sluts, and skanks, and do-ables and special-sets-of-guys are all meaningless compared to your fucking SAFETY! And that’s why Ford has just introduced its new 2013 SUV–the Ford Illiterate Accident Survivor!
“I can’t read the accidental report cuz I’m illiberat. He can’t read the report [points to mangled metal pile] cuz he’s dead. So much for that VW Fahrfennazi bullshit….”

And finally, for the guidos: the Mazda Racketeer!
Drive from Jersey to New York and then back again all the while feeling like a successful criminal, and not the law-abiding loser your wife has turned you into!

(c) 2012, Alan Brech

Postmodern Jungian Archetypes for Today’s American Political Scene

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Jung’s genius was too far in advance of his times–the Katzenjammer Kids are not really the cosmic archetype of humanity that Jung held them to be. Today we know that the KJ Kidz are just archetypes of happy-go-lucky people too young to know that they will grow up to fight for Hitler.

Jung’s other big mistake was that Hedy Lamarr was not that hot.

Then again, maybe Jung was on to something…

But Jung’s basic idea has regained credibility as we develop better archetypes and as we learn the algebra by which these archetypes can be combined to provide more accurate and dynamic psychological representations. Politics, and our “political personality,” being a caricature of reality (a really bad one), are especially reducible to a few fundamental archetypes:

Conservative utopia =

 PLUS

Tea Party vision of Utopia =

 PLUS

Liberal worldview  (Being more complicated than conservatives, it takes three TV shows to encapsulate the liberal worldview, not just two):

 PLUS  PLUS

Feminist =

 PLUS The Mary Tyler Moore Show tv show photo

Radical Feminist = Just Xena

Moderates:  You might think they would be even more complicated than liberals, but they too can be summarized in just one TV show:  Seinfeld. “Good luck with all that in 2012!”

(c) 2012, Alan Brech

The Changing Nature of Work: Life is Getting Better and Better!

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20,000 years before the present:
“Hard day at work?”
“Mastodon took out a guy from our hunting party.”

4,000 years b.p.:
“Hard day at work?”
“The irrigation ditch keeps silting up and then we had to decapitate one of the water buffaloes after it went berserk.”

600 b.p.:
“Hard day at work?”
“This cathedral is a total bitch. ‘Can’t stand it anymore.”

60 b.p.:
“Hard day at work?”
“They told us we had to throw out our tools and buy new metric ones. We said fuck you. So we compromised–now we have a pair of expensive unwieldly toolkits to lug around–‘still better than just metric.”

the Present:
“Hard day at work?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe! I had to click a million buttons on my computer today, and I kept getting all these error messages–drives me crazy! ‘Makes me wanna tear someone’s head off!”

new definition of work: clicking more than two buttons per page, typing in which spelling matters, more than one numerical calculation, scrolling up, scrolling sideways, and, most hated of all, filling out a page you already filled out! Grrrrr!  😦

The Obvious Solution to the Afghanistan – Pakistan Problem: Ethnic Partition & Kashmir Elections

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map from wikipedia where else

PARTITION!*

The Pashtun get their own country in southern and eastern Afghanistan AND a good part of Pakistan.

Pakistan, in turn, gets whichever parts of Kashmir that vote to leave India and join Pakistan in a special election (with say a 60% threshhold per district).

*I was not in favor of partition in Iraq because the non-Kurdish Sunni in the middle of the country have no resources to share.  Afghanistan, it seems, IS FULL OF RESOURCES! About a trillion, including rare earth minerals.

perhaps even uranium….
You might think the Uzbek and the Hazara would be resouce-poor like the Sunni in Iraq, but apparently where there’s not minerals, there’s gas and oil–from the wise sages of gasandoil.com back in 2003, almost a decade ago:

Mineral deposits could contribute to Afghanistan’s economic recovery

Aug 05, 2003 02:00 AM 

Afghanistan might be one of the poorest countries in the world after 23 years of devastating war. However, its rugged terrain still houses probably some of the most precious wealth on Earth.
While the transitional government in Kabul cries for donor aid for the daunting post-war reconstruction, experts say that the abundant mineral resources throughout the country could contribute to the recovery of its war-torn economy if exploited properly… (link for full article  http://www.gasandoil.com/news/russia/8cee72bd920d620c06c43abaf7ad3b5f )

The point is, the widespread abundance of resources throughout Afghanistan should make it especially suitable for peacable partition.

21st Century Destined to become Known as the Century of the Amish

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Worst professional specialty of the 24th Century: Historian specializing in 21st Century Studies.
“Basically, my job is to plow through all the pointless internet postings that survived CyberWorld War 2.0 and write unread scholarly articles about what life was really like in the 21st Century. The pay is low. Thank God some people kept using film! Those troglodytes who stuck to parchment and mercury-based inks really knew what they were doing.
“Naturally, this means the Amish are vastly over-represented in our view of the 21st Century, which is part of our job as historians to correct. Did I mention the pay is low?”

The Only Difference between Communication and Communism is Cationism

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Part of a series of Great Titles that Went NOWHERE!

This is all I got:  You have to share to communicate.  Sharing is communist.  Communication is communist.

But then someone yelled in my face that you don’t have to share to communicate you can just yell in someone’s face and not let them reply. Another great idea bites the dust…

Human Romney-volution through Unnatural Sell-Election

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[pics of Romney’s head atop archetypical specimens from human evolution]

Australopithemitt:
We bought out the chimps, downsized their stupid trees, and then fired their lazy asses. I love being able to fire chimps, don’t you?

Not-Homo-at-All Mittwreckedus:
You can’t blame us for outcompeting the Australopithemitts, we all ran out of chimps.

Archaic Homo (ok a little) Sapiens:
All we’ve done is take the competitve spirit of our ancestors and applied it to our cousins, the Homo Mittwreckedus–
“Not homo! At all!”
Ok, not homo, just pretty-mouthed.
“Hey!”

Eurasian side-shoot: the Mittromneythals:
Our early pioneer ancestors came out of the fertile plains of Asia Minor into the wild wastes of Europe and said This is the place! That’s an inside joke, ha ha ha…

Fully Modern Romneyman:
I’m not gonna apologize for my wealth. And since wealth requires poor people to work for it, I’m not going to apologize for anyone’s poverty either.
I’m also not going to apologize for America. What trail of tears? What Mormon persecutions? America has nothing to be sorry for the way it treated Mormons, Indians, blacks, women, nothing at all–just ask Sean Hannity–actually, I’ll have my people have him ask me that himself when I do my only interview later next month…

Next stop: Romneybots vs. Mittdroids in the Giant Waste of Galactic Resources in Pointless Pursuit of Galactic Dominance Over Resources!

Will Rogers Goes International

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“I don’t belong to an organized political movement–I just protest in Tahrir Square every other Friday.”

“I don’t belong to an organized government–I’m Hamid Karzai.”

“I don’t belong to an organized political party–Putin only allows disorganized ones.”

“I don’t play organized sports–I play Australian Football.”

“I’m not a member of an organized religion. In fact, we recently issued a fatwah on that topic, now where did I put that fatwah… Honey, where did you put my fatwah folder?”
“I told you to keep that shit off the floor!”

Will Rogers Comes Back Home to America:

“I used to belong to the best-organized political party in America.  But then I shifted towards its Tea Party wing…. Fuck Boehner.”

What Really Might Have Happened in the Afghanistan Massacre (the one where the soldier crept into the villages)

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by Your Speculative Reporter
unbound by mere facts (spit!)

premise: there was method in the madness (not intended as mitigation or exculpation or exoneration)

The villagers had previously made clear to the US Army that they hated the Taliban and wanted them out but the Taliban had (forcibly) married themselves into the village clan structures. The local unwritten laws of hospitality and clan relationships thus make it impossible for the villagers to truly turn against the Taliban.

So perhaps this soldier figured that if he eliminated the family relationships in those two villages (i.e., massacred them in their sleep), the Taliban would no longer have any hold over these villages under the laws of hospitality and clan membership even if the fighters were or were not home at the time of the massacre!

[the preceding scenario is entirely speculative but has a high chance of being proven true at a later date, check back here for exciting postscripts when we know more]

It’s Not Frikkin’ Fair! Volume 81, Chapter 14: Gay Guys Can Say Anything to Women!

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(c) 2012, Alan Brech

Television Begins its Campaign Against the Internet

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(redundant text for google)
From Television to its Long-Lost Viewers: Come back, hither, away from that fucking internet!
Barbara Eden for TV: “See you can’t get this kind of shit on the internet, and even if you could, it wouldn’t make sense without a lot of TV!”
Old fashioned bitch-slap scene: “Get your ass back in front of the TV” (spoken by the Powers that be)
Barbara Eden (as the American public): “I can’t take the ads and the lack of actual sex anymore!”
America, we’ve heard your input so we’re bringing back bitch-slaps to television!

(c)2012, Alan Brech