What used to be called perversions are now either accepted as normal or remain perversions for good fucking reason so stay away from that shit!

Unlike the old days, there are no longer any good perversions left, except, I submit, the allure of the NILF, a term invented by Samantha Bee to mean Newswomen I’d Like to [Friend on Facebook]. (Her very funny Daily Show bit can be found here: http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-may-16-2007/news-i-d-like-to-f–k?xrs=share_copy tell ’em I sent ya’)

NILF leching is like when you were a kid watching an attractive teacher at the blackboard vigorously scribbling some shit about fractions. NILFs replicate that very first perversion of school-damaged young boys.

(The Powerpoint Generation is really missing out on some old-fashioned twistedness by not using blackboards. I still remember when Mrs. Brandt leaned against the blackboard causing chalk dust to highlight the apex of each of her buttocks, giving it a kind of see-through look that lasted until she figured out why we were laughing behind her back. Probably a girl said something to her out of an unfortunate sense of sisterhood. Then there were the MILFy teachers that always managed to get chalk handprints on their hips and upper butt area, an area which deserves its own non-scientific name, but this is becoming a digressive black hole. As the Germans would say if they didn’t speak German so well:  “Wir fressen an Digression!” [translation: we feed like animals on digression, except there is no such word in German because they never digress, they’re always on-fucking-point and annoyed you aren’t.])*

The other perverted aspect of NILF leching is that these women are giving us very important information—it’s the news goddammit, pay attention! By casting lecherous male gazes while they perform information, we are in effect stripping them of their cultural identity, and anything with stripping in it must be perverted or erotic.

It is the gulf between the seriousness of “the news” and the hotness of these dames sitting there telling me about it that makes NILF-leching seem so perverted.

The fact is, any woman will look hotter if she reads the news on TV. If Betty Nguyen weren’t Betty Nguyen and were in a porno, it would be just another Asian porno, whatever. But if Betty Nguyen was suddenly in a porno, Bit-torrent would fry. The Pentagon would owe even more on their credit cards (apparently only they don’t know how to download for free).

I can’t imagine women feel the same way about Brian Williams, but I could be wrong. Perhaps, like many perversions, it’s a guy thing.

Speaking of which, the programming on Lifetime Television for Women proves it: men are by far the more perverted ones, but women are the ones who wanna watch all about it.

Postscript (meaning this shit is over): *There are two German words for digression: abschwiefung (“I didn’t sneeze.”) and Umschwiefe (“And your wife too.”)

©2012, Alan Brech