I like to blame the Jews–for making me fat. Did you know that to a Jew “No thanks, I had a late lunch” is the same thing as saying “Yes, I’d love some dinner” ?
Yes, it really is a big Jewish conspiracy. Actually, it’s more like a Jewess conspiracy than a Jewish conspiracy. But it is huge–38 unsightly inches in my case. Ok 40… 42 at the end of a long winter.
‘Ever notice that Jewesses are constantly worried that they’re eating too much and you’re not eating enough? It’s just so non-Golden Rule. So un-Christian!
The real difference between Reform and Conservative Judaism, on the one hand, and Hasidism on the other, is that Reform and Conservative Jewish men have figured out what their womenfolk are up to, while the Hasidic men remain blissfully clueless. And fat. Very fat.
In that sense, the Hasidim and the goyim (non-Jews) are closer to each other than either is to Reform or Conservative Judaism.
“More babkas, borscht, blintzes and brisket, honey?”
“Save it for the people whose ‘No thanks’ means ‘Yes.’ I’m staying thin. Like you.”
So no, you’re not paranoid–they really are conspiring to make you huge.
Alan Brech 2012